By Orion Burns | 
Fun with Yahoo! Answers: Christmas Edition
Rating: 10/10 (3 votes)
It’s that time of year again: The time where people buy the most useless shit on earth even though they have no money. Normally, you’d think that people couldn’t get any dumber, but for some reason when you put the colors red and green... Read More |
By Benjamin Hsu |
The Six Degrees of the New England Patriots
Rating: 8.3/10 (3 votes)
Currently, the New England Patriots boast a 11-0 record and remain the only undefeated team this season. The bigger question still holds: who cares? I don't! And that's why I want to switch from the Patriots to Kevin Bacon as quickly as damn... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Critique of a Critic: No Country for Old Men
Rating: 10/10 (2 votes)
Review of No Country For Old Men:
"Bottom Line: Intensely thrilling crime chase overcomes plot lapses but turns limp at the end." - Ray Bennett, Hollywood Reporter
Review of a Review:
"Bottom Line: Nonsensical movie critic... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Are We There Yet?
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
Thousands and millions of people visit our site each and every day.
Some will descend from the rays of Baby Jesus' bright rainbow. Others
get lost finding porn. But most of you have found this site googling
some random phrase, and then getting... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Fun with Yahoo Answers!
Rating: 10/10 (3 votes)
So you're at work and you've got seven or eight hours to kill (depending on how many "bathroom breaks" you take). Your options are probably pretty limited, considering your work or school uses more filters on the internet than a Brita.... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, November 10/11 Edition
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
"The parents of a Jacksonville toddler were horrified when their child swallowed part of a colorful toy bead set made in China and then passed out. He apparently was overcome when the coating on the beads metabolized into a chemical compound known... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I Politely Decline your Request to 'Taze' Me, Bro
Rating: 9/10 (3 votes)
Hello, officers. Welcome to the auditorium. As you can see, I am currently in the middle of a discussion with former presidential hopeful John Kerry.
"Heated"? Yes, I suppose it is. But so are all of politics these days. That's why... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, November 3/4 Edition
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
“This week in the National Football League, the
undefeated New England Patriots take on the undefeated Super Bowl
champions, the Indianapolis Colts. Ladies, let me warn and beg you
right now: if you've got something you want your man to... Read More |
By Rob Cee |
Urban Update: People Still Smoke Crack
Rating: 9/10 (4 votes)
Sure, there may not be any Wesley Snipes characters taking over whole city blocks and posting lookouts on the corner; there may not be crack cooking warehouses that have locals bagging crack in their underwear with their titties all out; there may not... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Halloween Spesh
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
The college girl costume: Questions to ask yourself
By college girl Noam Bleiweiss
a) Do I look like a whore?
b) Can I justify it as cute?
c) Will creepy drunk dudes be able to easily come up with sexual puns surrounding my costume's... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Ronald, You Sly S.O.B.
Rating: 8.8/10 (5 votes)
It's that time of year again, folks. Time to undo the belt, make some room under the collar, and sit down with America's annual obsession: the McDonalds Monopoly Game.
I know, I know. I don't like it any more than you do, but somebody out... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At the Movies
Rating: 8/10 (2 votes)
1. See an Action Movie
You might think a chick flick would be your better option here. Wrong. Chick flicks are full of sobbing women who just want to be held. Girls in action movies are all fired up and ready to get it. Any action movie will do.... Read More |
By Rob Cee |
Attention Blimp Lovers: Grow Up!
Rating: 9.2/10 (5 votes)
Honestly, what person looks up at the sky at the floating Goodyear advertisement and thinks, "Yes, that is it. I want to fly a blimp!"? Let me fill you in on a little secret. Blimps suck. Blimps really, really suck.
Blimps do not serve a... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
POTWTH: Ludacris
Rating: 8.8/10 (6 votes)
Person of the Week to Hate is back, and man am I pissed. The problem with not getting your vengeance out on a weekly basis is that it builds up, and eventually you just fucking explode. And my target of ire this week? Ludacris.
AKA Chris Lova... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, October 20/21 Edition
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At McDonald's
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
1. Be Fat
Put on a hundred pounds, or three. When you walk into that restaurant, you'll stand out as the obviously most legit guy there. It'll be like an old western movie when the bad guy walks into the saloon and everything stops. People... Read More |
By Noam Bleiweiss |
Uhh... I'm a business professional
Rating: 9.8/10 (5 votes)
Dear Company Representative:
First and foremost, I wanted to thank you for your time and
consideration while reading this cover letter.
As you can probably already tell, I am as professional as they
come. I possess all of the core... Read More |
By Rob Cee |
Urban Update: Is Bitches Still Hoes?
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
As we fight the war on terrorism and struggle to pay our medical bills, it seems that being a citizen of the richest country in the world can be quite discomforting. Sometimes the most calming parts of a person's life are the parts that are... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, October 13/14 Edition
Rating: 9.8/10 (5 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At a House Party
Rating: 9/10 (2 votes)
1. Pretend To Know Everyone
Nobody wants to hook up with a loser. And, what's the opposite of a loser? Everyone's friend. Also, if you know everyone, everyone else will feel inferior to you. "This guy knows so many people,"... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Pure. Liquid. Evil.
Rating: 9.3/10 (3 votes)
Before I state my case, let me set the record straight: I enjoy all forms of beer. I like everything from the complex and exotic tastes of a Trappist monk beer like Chimay to the calm and refreshing taste of a Coors Light. These beers, and all the ones... Read More |
By Rob Cee |
Urban Update: When You're White Every Crime is a Hate Crime
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
It's a normal Friday night in San Luis Obispo, CA. "Normal" meaning I am drinking beer; although on this particular night I am attending a frat party for free beer. On the front steps of the house sits a crying girl being comforted by her... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, October 6/7 Edition
Rating: 9.7/10 (3 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: In a Laundromat
Rating: 9/10 (1 vote)
So you've got dirty clothes and dirtier intentions, and no washer or dryer. Here's how you get everything you want:
1. Silk Clothing
Wear exclusively silk seven days a week. Silk shirt, pants, codpiece, everything. Women love silk, so you... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Personal Secrets: I Masturbated To An Ikea Catalog
Rating: 8.5/10 (4 votes)
Alright, fine. You caught me. Congratulations on your findings, professor. You have just caught your one and only roommate masturbating to the 2008 Ikea Catalog. We'll get into the semantics, but first, let me put some pants on.
To be honest, I... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
Water Cooler, September 29-30 Edition
Rating: 9/10 (2 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At an Engineering Firm
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
Congratulations, college grad! You landed a job at an engineering firm. Contrary to popular belief, engineers have sex lives. Poor sex lives, though. It's time to rock your new co-workers' worlds.
1. Find a Female
Women are few and... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Pop Culture Scientist: Celebrity Face Melting
Rating: 8.5/10 (4 votes)
"What would you do if you were famous?"-a common question posed within the confines of an elementary school, which most would gladly answer. "Buy a helicopter," some would say, or else "buy immigrants and force them into manual... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
Water Cooler, Sept 21/22 Edition
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At a Rodeo
Rating: 9/10 (1 vote)
Yeehaw! Time to "rustle up" some cowgirls. They're called cowgirls because most women at rodeos are fat.
1. Start Chewing Tobacco
Any pussy can--and does--smoke. But it takes a man to handle chaw. You'll want to take up this... Read More |
By Ben Piper |
Work Smarter Not Harder... Retard: Guide to More Productive Studying
Rating: 9/10 (4 votes)
Are your study nights too frequent and too long? Is your walk of shame the path from the library to your dorm? Do you wish after a night of “cramming” you woke up next to a girl you didn’t recognize instead of a textbook full of... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, September 15/16 Edition
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: In Prison
Rating: 8/10 (3 votes)
1. Commit a Felony
You gotta get there somehow. Commit a crime that will be respected among the inmates. I recommend murdering a police officer. Not only will you receive "mad respect," you'll be sure to get a life-long sentence. This... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Rock The Bells 2007 - A Brief Synopsis
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
On August 11th, the hip-hop festival Rock The Bells rolled into San Bernardino, CA. People were already scared. Beginning at 11:30am and lasting until nearly midnight, dozens of hip-hop acts performed on three different stages and for nearly 60,000... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
POTWTH: Steely McBeam
Rating: 8.8/10 (5 votes)
I don't even like typing it. Steely McBeam.
Get the fuck out of my face with your big, foamy, fake face.
For those of you who don't troll NFL forums or enjoy flaming bags of Jingoistic vomit, Steely McBeam is the new Pittsburgh Steelers... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, September 8/9 Edition
Rating: 8.5/10 (4 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At a Barbershop
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
Have a Butt-Load of Hair
Grow your hair out for several years. Don't even shave. This may be difficult for many of us, but here's something that will help - move to a shack in rural Montana and send out mail bombs. I have a good friend that... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Critique of a Critic: Superbad
Rating: 9.4/10 (5 votes)
Critic's Review: "This is why Hollywood mostly sucks: Corporate movies are getting made from scripts written by 13-year-olds who went on to drop out of high school."
MaryAnn Johanson - The Flick Filosopher
Rating: Skip... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Guy Who Prints Out Articles and Leaves them in the Bathroom: Thanks.
Rating: 7.3/10 (3 votes)
Let's be honest: I'm a shitter.
And not a bullshitter, either. I'm a tub-dumping, Cosby-kids-laying
motherfucker (motherfucker). I'm more regular than Warren G in the
mid-90's. So mount up. But there is one badass I've got to... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, September 1/2 Edition
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: In an Arcade
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
1. Leave Sharper Image.
Look, I know it's the coolest store in the mall, but if you want to hook up with someone in an arcade, you'll have to be in an arcade. It's some law of physics or something. That full-body massage chair might feel... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
In-Depth Analysis of Wu-Tang's "Dog Shit"
Rating: 9.2/10 (5 votes)
The following is a thorough analysis of the Wu-Tang Clan song "Dog Shit," featuring the late, great Ol' Dirty Bastard (AKA ODB, AKA Dirt McGirt, AKA Big Baby Jesus). Feel free to properly reference this article as a source for any and all... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Critique of a Critic: The Bourne Ultimatum
Rating: 9.7/10 (6 votes)
Review of The Bourne Ultimatum:
"Director Paul Greengrass insists on utilizing cameramen with Parkinson's disease and editors more concerned with celluloid masturbation than continuity."
Rated: 1/10 by Fiore Mastracci of... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
Water Cooler, August 25-26 Edition
Rating: 9/10 (3 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At a Retirement Home
Rating: 5.3/10 (3 votes)
1. Wear a Bowtie
There's nothing more attractive to an old person than memories of the days when they were attractive. Take them back with fashion from their era. Also, try having a giant lollypop, wearing suspenders, and parting your hair down... Read More |
By Noam Bleiweiss |
Facebook Etiquette: Wall-Posting
Rating: 9.4/10 (7 votes)
I often browse through the profiles of friends (all 405 of them) and laugh to myself when looking at their "walls."
These people have way too much time on their hands, I think to myself. They're so inexperienced, so innocent, so... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
TSYP Investigates: Atheletes with Legal Trouble
Rating: 9.6/10 (5 votes)
Recently, Michael Vick has been getting a lot of attention in the media for allegations of being heavily involved in the despicable act of dog fighting. The fact of the matter is that this is just a prime example of the white-republican media... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, August 18/19 Edition
Rating: 9.3/10 (3 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At the Bank
Rating: 9.6/10 (5 votes)
1. Pick the Ugly Teller
The cute teller's open? Don't do it. This article is about how to get laid in a bank, not get embarrassed in a bank. Wait for Chunks McGee to open up, the embarrassment will come later. Maximize your odds by picking the... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
A List of Chores for Johnny Five
Rating: 9/10 (3 votes)
Johnny Five, the robotic hero of Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2, is up for sale on EBay. The time is right for me to cash the bonds my grandparents gave me when I was a kid. Listen, I don't even care about living in a house, or eating food-if I... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Selling Shit on Craigslist is Hard.
Rating: 8.4/10 (5 votes)
Recently, I had a set of golf clubs. I no longer wanted this set of golf clubs. What is a poor girl to do? Well, after my moisturizing mask, I came up with a plan: Craigslist!
I'd heard about Craigslist before. I mean, people talked about this... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
Water Cooler, August 11-12 Edition
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: In a Restaurant
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
1. Choose a seat
You'll want to sit at a table that will maximize your viewing abilities. I recommend sitting in the corner of the restaurant, so you have a view of the entire place. You'll want to wear a hat pulled down low over your brow to... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
I Am: The Mountain Dew® Robot
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
Hello summer moviegoers,
Welcome to Planet Quench Your Goddamn Thirst. I'm no Haley Joel Osment, and I'm not any Brent Ratner-sequel-infested piece of shit. I'm here to save your life.
At first glance, sure, I am just a vending... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Yeah, I'm in Mensa, Idiot.
Rating: 8.3/10 (4 votes)
Batman is really Bruce Wayne. Spiderman is Peter Parker. That drunk heroin addict you pissed on in Central Park last week is none other than Robert Downey Jr. And then there's me. Mild mannered me. Except, I'm really in Mensa. You... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
Water Cooler, August 4/5 Edition
Rating: 9.3/10 (3 votes)
... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: At the Gym
Rating: 8.8/10 (6 votes)
1. Do Steroids Before
You can’t look weak at the gym. But you can’t stop looking weak unless you go to the gym. Quite the situation, right? Wrong, idiot. Do steroids. Frat guys do roids all the time and they claim to get lots of chicks.... Read More |
By Benjamin Hsu |
The Six Degrees of Transformers
Rating: 8/10 (5 votes)
Six Degrees returns, but this time, I'm planning to start with one of the biggest movies of the summer, Transformers.
Transformers. I'll admit that having to direct a nerd movie opens up tons of criticism from the hardest of the die-hard fans.... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
POTWTH - Elin Nordegren
Rating: 7.8/10 (4 votes)
Elin Nordegren, you bitch.
It's not enough, apparently, that you married the hottest mixed-race athlete since Detlef Schrempf. You had to go and get knocked up, too.
Look, I understand the allure of marrying Tiger Woods. Who doesn't? You... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
Water Cooler, July 28-29 Edition
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Oh Vermont, Where Art Thou?
Rating: 9.5/10 (8 votes)
To understand this article, you must have an understanding of Google Analytics. This is a program that many websites use to help manage their websites' popularity, advertising, content, and traffic sources. Basically, you know how many people come... Read More |
By Lee |
How to Get Laid: In a Nightclub
Rating: 9.3/10 (6 votes)
This is the first in what will hopefully become a series of articles coaching virile young men like you on how to get yours. We'll start off with a place you might actually be looking for action: a nightclub.
So you want to go to a... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
9/11 Conspiracies You Might Not Have Heard
Rating: 8/10 (5 votes)
1. The Butler Did It
I thought it was always
the seemingly hapless butler who was the real culprit. Have we as a
society learned nothing from 1960s television melodramas and cheesy
board games? Even that butler on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
was a... Read More |
By TSYP Q&A |
Featured Sketch Comedy Group: Tremendosaur
Rating: 9.1/10 (7 votes)
One day, members of the TSYP staff were very sad. It seemed like nothing could take us out of our unfortunate depression. Then came Tremendosaur to save our day. Tremendosaur is a group of three awesome dudes looking to make people happy. We watched... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I Will Fight You
Rating: 7.6/10 (7 votes)
Seriously, I will fight you. Over anything, too. A ham sandwich,
your toupee, NAFTA. You name it, I'll take the opposite position as you
and then escalate it into a physical confrontation.
Why? Because you're wrong, that's why. And I... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
The Water Cooler, July 21/22
Rating: 9/10 (3 votes)
... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
An Open Letter to: Eddie Murphy
Rating: 8.3/10 (4 votes)
Dear Mr. Murphy,
Please stop. We mean it; enough is enough. At first it was funny-you playing every character. I even saw The Nutty Professor in a movie theater. It seemed like such a novel idea, and that grandmother character you had = hilarious... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Five Things Canada does Well
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
1. Watch Hockey
This is, hands down, the best thing that Canada's got going for it-if only by default. See, the rest of the world doesn't care about hockey. They've got soccer, or American football. The Philippines has badminton, for... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Conflict Resolution: insights by the ignorant
Rating: 9.2/10 (5 votes)
As a white Irish-Catholic American male, the biggest struggle I encounter in my daily life is controlling my insatiable urge to drink myself into oblivion in order to wake up and make it to work on time. Just to clarify, when I say "Catholic" I... Read More |
By Guy Calladine |
I WAS the Cuban Missile Crisis
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
People don't talk about the Cuban Missile Crisis much anymore these days. That's probably because most people don't know the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth, so help me God. Because the truth is, I was the Cuban Missile... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Five Movies That Should Be Made
Rating: 8.2/10 (5 votes)
1. All Dawgs go to Heaven
A buddy-bio pic featuring West Coast's Tupac Shakur and East Coast's Notorious B.I.G. The two thug-ass animated brothas share stories about hard lives lived on cartoon streets. At one point, a miscommunication forces... Read More |
By TSYP Staff |
Water Cooler, July 14/15 Edition
Rating: 9.2/10 (5 votes)
... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
POTWTH - Scooter Libby
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
I know, I know, it's so cliché to hate "Scooter" Libby this week. It's like asking the Wellesley campus if they hate anal. (Wellesley is a very feminist all girls school, idiot. And I'm just a guy who loves anal... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Taking A Bite Out of Apple
Rating: 8.6/10 (5 votes)
Apple has definitely made some smart product choices and maintained
great brand equity over the years (this is the tiny business major
talking inside of me), and we can give them credit for this. It seems
as if the Apple contingency is growing by... Read More |
By Benjamin Hsu |
The Six Degrees of Gastroporn
Rating: 8.4/10 (5 votes)
I'm a sucker for the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game. So much a fan, I figure that no more than six links are needed to connect anything to Kevin Bacon. Thus, I decided to start with an intriguing word I found on the internet:... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Five Things Women Don't Need
Rating: 9/10 (7 votes)
1. So Many Purses
We get it; you've got a lot of stuff to carry around. But that doesn't mean you need to walk around bogarting all the cowhide. I could look inside a girl's purse, and immediately come up with seven things she doesn't... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
The Chris Benoit Tragedy
Rating: 8.6/10 (5 votes)
With the passing of professional wrestler Chris Benoit, it has certainly become a sad time in the annals of professional American wrestling. But, combine this death with the 2005 passing of Eddie Guerrero and something more sinister comes to mind.... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
POTWTH - Brooke Hogan
Rating: 9/10 (6 votes)
I don't ask for a lot, people. But (and I can't speak for Eddie Murphy on this one) the number one thing I like in my women is that they are not men. Compared to being a man, a woman with cankles might as well be Jenna Jameson.
That being... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Ms. Knowles, I'm Finally Ready For Your Jelly
Rating: 8/10 (4 votes)
Ms. Knowles,
It's been seven years, more or less. I have grown into a mature man. I play mancala now. I am a different person now, someone light years away from the person who watched the "Bootylicious" music video on mute.
I can... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Open Letter: Wannabe Villain to Nuclear Commission
Rating: 9/10 (7 votes)
Esteemed Gentlemen,
Allow me first to introduce myself. My name is Albert Werstermyer. I am an asshole.
You see, it is this unique quality (my unwavering dedication to being
the biggest dick to all of humankind) that makes me an ideal... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
MASH-UP: Dale Jr. Is World's Ugliest Dog
Rating: 8.3/10 (4 votes)
Dale Earnhardt Jr. said he left the company started by his late father, Dale Earnhardt, because he wanted to be crowned the world’s ugliest dog. With that urgency in mind, Earnhardt left DEI, Inc. and promptly won the Petaluma, California canine... Read More |
By Guy Calladine |
The Time I Ate Tina Fey
Rating: 8.3/10 (4 votes)
Some of you DNA misfires might think that being a lady killer only
applies to Phil Spector. Well, you've obviously never met me, and
as a direct result you're clearly wrong. Like that time you thought
transvestite meant bisexual.... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Five Things I Never Want to See
Rating: 8.2/10 (6 votes)
1. Tiger Woods win anything. Ever again.
That guy doesn't need any more pats on the back. He's married to a supermodel, he's got a perfect backswing, and Hootie and the Blowfish played his wedding. Let's face it; the guy's... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I Love Bologna.
Rating: 7.3/10 (4 votes)
Say what you will, mere TheSevenYearPlan.com reader. I loves me some bologna. And yes, it's pronounced "bah-low-nee". If you think bologna is disgusting, you can 'blogoma' (it's pronounced "blow me").
First of... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Don't Be That Person Who Leaves Long Messages
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
To Whom It May Concern,
Hello you. Yes, I remember you. How could I forget the person who left the three-minute long message on my phone the other day? I guess I already did.
You were both incredibly friendly and a huge waste of my life. I... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
RATM and Wu Likely to Be Charged with Manslaughter if They Perform
Rating: 8.5/10 (4 votes)
Federal agents and high-ranking government law enforcement officials are worried that an upcoming concert series, headlined by Rage Against The Machine and the Wu-Tang Clan, could put tens of thousands of people in serious jeopardy.
"We're... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
POTWTH - Your Grandmother
Rating: 8.8/10 (6 votes)
Is this week's Person of the Week to Hate really such a shocker? Perhaps at first, but when you start digging into the many, many layers of elbow skin that your grandmother uses to hide her true self, you quickly realize that maybe Gam Gam isn't... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Your Baby is Hideous.
Rating: 8.4/10 (5 votes)
Good Lord, look at that thing! It's like a bag of oats fighting with Meatwad from AquaTeen Hunger Force!
No, lady, don't bring that thing in here. This is the Baby Gap, not Overweight -Cinderblock-With-A-Harelip Gap. We're trying to... Read More |
By R.J. Pomeroy |
Living with the Bees.
Rating: 9/10 (10 votes)
They go by names like Killer, Worker and Queen. No, not the Hanson brothers, bees. Some unknown time ago, the First Bee Sting was savagely unleashed upon some unwitting human being. But why? Was it something we said? No one has ever been quite sure... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Don't Get Caught Jerking It
Rating: 8.3/10 (3 votes)
If there is one sound you shudder to hear, it is a doorknob turning, or the slow creak of a dorm room door hinge. Your mortal enemies are noises that mask the sound of footsteps, soft-and-silent flip flops, or headphones you play a little too loudly.... Read More |
By Noam Bleiweiss |
Me telling a girl I want to have sex with her at dinner using hip-hop slang so that my parents don’t understand
Rating: 8.7/10 (9 votes)
The following scene is set at the dinner table of my childhood home. My mother, father, a girl I want to have sex with, and I are all sitting around, enjoying supper and a nice conversation. My parents don’t speak much and the girl is very... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Diary of an Office Pooper.
Rating: 8.2/10 (5 votes)
8:13 - Good morning, 3rd floor men's room. How's the weather? Stinky, muggy, with a slight breeze and a 30% chance of the paint peeling off the walls, I see. Two green chili breakfast burritos and the gurgling remains of a sixer of Guinness from... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Ukraine Nervous About 20-year Soviet Reunion
Rating: 8.4/10 (5 votes)
After almost two decades of independence, the eastern European nation of Ukraine is beginning to dread the on-the-horizon 20-year Soviet Reunion. While still a few years away, it is certainly becoming a more ominous calendar date for the Ukraine, as... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
The Sober Dial
Rating: 9.2/10 (5 votes)
"HEY, MELISSA? HEY. WHAT'S UP?
YEAH, SORRY I'M JUST LISTENING TO SOME TCHAIKOVSKY ON MY LAPTOP AT HOME. HANG ON, LEMME TURN IT DOWN...
Yeah, that's better. Sorry. Anyway, how are you?
...
I was just, umm, you know, calling to... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Porn: The Endless Amuser
Rating: 8.5/10 (4 votes)
It's Friday night. Hell, it's Tuesday afternoon. You've got roughly 13 - 35 minutes of alone, uninterrupted time in front of your computer. Sure, you could be reading those online articles, or catching up on some Tailspin reruns. But... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Happy Father's Day, God
Rating: 9/10 (4 votes)
Hey Dad,
Happy Father's Day. At first, I thought you might have forgotten all about it, and then I remembered, you know, you're God and all. So I just thought I'd drop you a quick line, to see how the Kingdom is coming along.
You and I... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Critique of a Critic: Spider-Man 3
Rating: 8/10 (6 votes)
Review of Spider-Man 3: "I was pretty impressed with how the script managed to juggle so many characters at once and actually make them relevant. Batman Forever this is not."
4 out of 5 stars by Kevin Carr of 7(M) Pictures
Review of a... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
POTWTH -Tim Duncan
Rating: 9/10 (3 votes)
It's NBA Finals time. I should be sitting in my La-Z-Boy, beating off to Charles Barkley doing commentary on how big his head is. Instead, I realize that it's an odd-numbered year, so the San Antonio Spurs are once again competing to take home... Read More |
By Ben Piper |
What Goes on Behind Your Back Stays Behind Your Back
Rating: 8.8/10 (6 votes)
Ever wondered if people are making fun of you behind your back? Do you have adult braces? Is your hygiene lacking? How dated is your wardrobe? Admit it, those capri pants were a bad idea. Is there an embarrassing aspect of your life that you keep secret... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Parking Enforcement? You Can Just Call Me God.
Rating: 9.2/10 (6 votes)
Welcome to the p'lot, bitch
Well, well, well. Looks like somebody's decided to park in "staff parking" without the proper permit. What's that? You were in a rush to get to your Econ. test and... Read More |
By Benjamin Hsu |
Sweet Sweet Summer Plans
Rating: 8.3/10 (3 votes)
Summer's quickly approaching. You don't have a job. You may have relied too much on the hopes of a wicked internship/job at Google Inc., where the entire building is a nerd Disneyland without the annoying children or mascots. Problem is this:... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
MASH -UP: Eminem and Kim Mathers End Feud Over Panda Porn
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
Note: The following is a "mash-up" article, meaning that two articles were combined to create a singular piece of awesome writing. Much like DJ Danger Mouse, that Frank Sinatra and Notorious B.I.G. joint, or the Linkin Park/Jay-Z turd-fest... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I'm Not Afraid of the Dark...
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
...I'm just afraid of what's IN the dark: Vampires, witches, goblins, Eva Longoria. It's all so terrifying. See, darkness lacks several key elements that light possesses.
First: Illumination. Darkness, especially absolute darkness, gives... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
The Trade Offers for Kobe Bryant You Didn't Hear From ESPN
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
Last week, Kobe Bryant iterated his true sentiments, requesting a trade from the Los Angeles Lakers. As a result, the rumor mill has been abuzz in both the NBA and the rest of the world. We here at The Seven Year Plan recently spoke with an extremely... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
The Library: Proof that God Wants You to Fail.
Rating: 8.8/10 (5 votes)
The library has few, if any, redeemable qualities. Stacks and rows of moldy-ass books, studious Asians huddled inside group-work rooms, and the people behind the counter are all oh-so-fucking-chipper. If I had to spend 8 hours a day shushing people and... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I Write Checks My Ass Can't Cash
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
Hey dirtbag, I was walking here. You just spilled my Sex on the Beach all over my khaki shorts and white socks.
That's right: dirtbag. As in a huge sack full of dirt. Or maybe you're just a sac in general. At the very least you look like... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Sociology 101: Sorry I'm White
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes)
The veil of ignorance has finally been lifted by my required Gen. Ed.
sociology class, Patriarichal America: A History of Hegemony. I was
completely unaware when I was born that I would be such a problem
child, or problem adult for that matter. When... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
Suge Knight: Please Don't Kill Me
Rating: 8.8/10 (5 votes)
Hello sir. Let me just start off by saying how sorry I am. But I'm not
mad at you, no, just a bit frustrated and confused. It's quite obvious
that you're mad at me. The eggs on the windshield were one thing. The
cadaver in my breakfast... Read More |
By Noam Bleiweiss |
Thank you Reggaeton, you saved my life.
Rating: 9.1/10 (7 votes)
Dear the Reggaeton movement,
You've changed my way of looking at the world -- the world of musica. For years I had been devoted to mainstream rap, being perfectly content with this genre of unilingual lyrics. But, slowly, comprehending what I was... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Hello, I Am The Kegmaster
Rating: 9/10 (5 votes)
Hello.
Yes, it's me. The Kegmaster. I am here to take your house party debauchery from two barely tolerable pumps of foam to a sex-and-drug-fueled binge of five-pump golden, delicious hops and barley. I see that prior to my arrival, your keg was... Read More |
By R.J. Pomeroy |
There's a TWO-hole punch? Fuck this shit.
Rating: 8.6/10 (8 votes)
Yeah, I went to school. I got a degree. Two, in fact. I learned about GDP, the Milky Way, and Entry Strategies for International Markets (joint ventures rule!). I learned a lot of stuff in college but you know what? Now that I am one year removed from... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Before I Die
Rating: 8.3/10 (4 votes)
Everyone has a list of things they want to experience before their time on this godforsaken garbage sphere runs out. It probably involves seeing beautiful natural wonders or meeting kind, warm-hearted individuals that made the short time worthwhile.... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Dear Internet, We're Through
Rating: 9/10 (4 votes)
Dear Internet:
I respect you too much not to get right to the point: I've met someone. No, it isn't another computer program like Microsoft PowerPoint, or the underrated "Calculator." It is a human female. I know it's surprising... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
An Open Letter to "That Guy" In Class
Rating: 9/10 (6 votes)
Excuse me. Hi. I don't think you know my name but it's probably better that way. You can just call me "a concerned student." Why am I so concerned? Well, to put it ever so bluntly, it's all your fault. That's right, I said it.... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Person of the Week to Hate: Al Gore
Rating: 8.8/10 (4 votes)
First things first, Mr. Gore: the election was in 2000. You're seven years and, apparently, several thousand boxes of donuts away from that regrettable day you conceded the White House to George W. Bush. I understand it was a tough moment for you,... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
If You Like American Idol I Hate You
Rating: 8.6/10 (5 votes)
I try not to hate things in my daily life. I consider myself rather forgiving, exceedingly compassionate, and hung like a horse. But just because I have a huge dick doesn't mean I am one. Yet, there are some issues from which I cannot back down;... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Hockey: You Know You Want To
Rating: 9.1/10 (7 votes)
Try to come up with a sport, other than boxing or UFC, whose referees, and the government for that matter, still let people fight. Can't think of one? Try ice hockey, the most underrated major sport since European soccer, minus the short shorts and... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Office Humor Reaches All-Time Shit Level
Rating: 9/10 (9 votes)
I hate my job. It's bad enough that I wear a monkey suit and tie, middle-manage over people twice my age, and rot under florescent lights five days a week. I shouldn't have to put up with shitty office humor, too.
Office "humor" is,... Read More |
By Sarah Claspell |
Reminisce'Zone
Rating: 9.1/10 (16 votes)
Hey! Do you remember the P'Zone?
It's more than just a calzone, it's the size of a pizza folded in half! Pizza Hut makes you believe that it's for one person, so you and your roommate Amanda have two of them delivered. You have a... Read More |
By Ben Piper |
How to Lose Friends and Influence People
Rating: 8.8/10 (6 votes)
When you're at a party, isn't it cool to sneak up behind groups of people (especially girls) while they take photos together and make a funny face behind them to totally ruin their picture? There are so many cameras at parties that a determined... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I Accidentally Ordered A Magic Bullet
Rating: 8.8/10 (6 votes)
If it's late enough, products on TV start to look really good: box sets
of movies from the BBC, coins with people on them you learned about in
fifth grade and then completely forgot, pretty much anything from Ron
Popeil or Bowflex. But, I... Read More |
By Michael Matzke |
So You Want To Be Funny?
Rating: 9.4/10 (10 votes)
Have you ever been at a frat party and wondered how you could impress the pants off that one good lookin' person sitting alone in the corner, unimpressed by keg stands and a rippin' bod? Try this on for size: a simple joke (or chiste, as they say... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Happy Mother's Day (In Other News, You're An Asshole)
Rating: 9.2/10 (10 votes)
You worthless little piece of shit. I raised you for the past howevermany years and this is how you treat me, you ungrateful little swine?
Welcome to Mother's Day, the holiday you're most likely to forget that that isn't Canada's... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I'm Better than You Because I Like a Band You've Never Heard of
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
Hello, friend.
Oh, what's that? Yeah, I'm just listening to the latest new music.
No, you've never heard of it?
This latest new music from this latest new band is so extremely latest and new that I doubt anyone but me has heard of... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
I Have an Ethnic Friend
Rating: 9/10 (15 votes)
You may not believe me, but I know people who aren't white. Actually, just one person, but he makes up for it by being really ethnic.
See, when I first came to my predominantly white male engineering school, I got exactly what I should have... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
"Y" Is a Vowel? Get Real, Hippie.
Rating: 8.6/10 (5 votes)
Is it just me, or can we not go more than eight hours without some Harvard dickfart trying to cram the letter "Y" up our asses? There are people in this country who actually believe the letter Y is a vowel. "Sometimes," they say, like... Read More |
By Orion Burns |
Critique of a Critic: "300"
Rating: 8.8/10 (13 votes)
Review of 300:
Snyder's depiction of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae, in which 300 Spartans fought off a much larger Persian army, is so over-the-top it's laughable -- so self-serious, it's hard to take seriously.
Christy... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
An Open Letter To That Girl At Starbucks
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
First of all, let me apologize. I had no idea you would react like that.
When I came in to your store this morning, I had no intention of saying much other than "tall nonfat latte, please." I never meant to go on and on about grandmothers.... Read More |
By Farley Elliott |
Person of the Week to Hate: Mike Krzyzewski
Rating: 9.3/10 (4 votes)
While just the title of this article does a lot to spark initial hatred for the head coach of the Duke University men's basketball team, it does not go far enough. To begin with, anyone named "Mike" is automatically one rung short on the... Read More |
